I hope that someone is praying for me right now............I am.
When I first started this journal on line.........it was intended to be exactly that..........MY JOURNAL. Lately though, I find myself editing. Avoiding certain topics because people who know me could be reading. And that is creating a crisis for me..........do I just shut it down? or do I avoid writing my heart because it is "messy"?
I also intended this journal to be a gift for my children, for that reason it is a deception to not include ALL that we experience as a family. Of course what I live impacts their lives. And even the trials bring gifts. So...............I know that I have to include "the germ". It is an intimate part of our family. It determines what we eat and what we drink. It has daily implications and effects our future. Most of all it influences our attitudes.
To look as us, I think we look just like any other single parent family. A pre-menopausal middle aged woman, a teen, a tween, and a twenty-something who is now creating her own family. We are passionate females who often butt heads and roll our eyes. We embarrass each other and bicker and kiss on the lips. We are intelligent and witty. We are artists and musicians and "scientists". I dance terribly. Nel has a gift with a hammer and screwdriver. She can make friends with anybody. Infants, toddlers, peers, elderly all delight in her company. She thinks I'm a pain. Angie is a wonderful friend, trying to find her place outside of her sister's shadow. She avoids eye contact with me when I have a temper tantrum. She knows that my tirades have nothing to do with her place as "beloved daughter" but if she accidentally makes eye contact, we both burst out laughing. They both check labels at the grocery store. Financially, we are a "work in progress", Spiritually we are dependent on our Creator. Jeni is the one who taught me the most of my Father's unconditional love. She taught me true love. She taught me grace and forgiveness. We broke each others heart, God healed us.
Last night at my support group, one of the newbies asked............"How do you know when to tell?" I'm telling now. "The germ" has a name. It is Hepatitis C. I have likely lived with this for almost thirty years. I was diagnosed ten years ago. I am not feeling well. Recently, I have noticed symptoms which may be an indicator that the virus is progressing. I need to write this......I need to not stew........I need to get it out. I have scheduled an appointment. I will have the biopsy. I choose to lay this in my Lord's most capable hands. I will sit in his lap and be held. I will write my will, again. I am not dying anymore than anyone else, we all should eat healthy, and live healthy lifestyles. If we are not alone, we should be responsible to those we leave behind.
Ten years ago......the doctor's knew very little about this virus. Initially their prognosis was bleak, even as they said "we really don't know". Eventually, my attitude became..........."if I live long enough, this will get me". It made me acutely aware that every day is a gift from God. There is no promise as I drop those beauties at school each morning, that we will all arrive safely home that evening. And yet, I remember daily............the worst case scenario is???? WHAT???? that I get to go home???? that I get to see the beautiful precious face of the one who died for me???? Paul's letter to the Philippians encourages me today.
I didn't choose this, but God has allowed it. I pray for His will in all things. I pray for His strength, for I am weak. I pray that He will continue to mature us in our relationship with Him. I pray that He will use me to further His kingdom. I pray that He will bless my children. I pray that I am a good mother. I pray for healing. I pray that my dad doesn't watch me get sick. Is the list too long?? I praise Him for He is God and He is holy. I thank Him for the joys that can be found even here. I thank Him for my group. Folks who come together to share life!
Tonight, when you get home......the folks ya find there.........give them a hug, even a kiss on the lips........and thank God! Tomorrow as you run out the door, pause for just a second to smile and say, "I love you". Even if it embarrasses them. (he he)
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