Being sick is very trying.
Being sick with cancer, even more so.....
BUT!!!!!!!!!!!! Being sick and having hallucinattions in the hospital .....just too much for
this girl to bear.
radiation tx will start either tomorrow or Friday. Thank you for your prayers!
Dawn.
March is National Kidney Month AND Multiple Myeloma Month.........
http://www.kidney.org/kidneydisease/kidneymonth/
http://myeloma.org/ArticlePage.action?articleId=44
This morning I also learned that severe back pain can be a sign of infection of the spine.
God bless us everyone!
Rash; bruising; cramping - feet, legs, hands (the hands are the worst); bleeding; fatigue; constipation; bloating - i don't look like me; neither do my ankles. (lol)
These are just the effects from taking my meds. go figuah!
like the one that came today. We went out for lunch. I wonder if she'll ever truly understand how much I enjoy her company, conversation, kindness.
Father, thank you for friends who show Your love through their visits.
Angela recently got her driver learning permit. What an amazing blessing this is for me! Often, I'm just too tired to drive, so this helps us both tremendously. Like her sisters, she's chosen to be an organ donor. In the past couple of weeks, she has asked me if it's okay if she donates blood when she turns 17. (she HATES the sight, thought of blood)
Last week Jhinel informed me that she has signed up for the National Bone Marrow Registry.
I really like these "kids."
Thank you, Father, for the gift of children.
This past Sunday after church and one of those "God-incidence" lessons again, Jhinel drove us down to Lake Worth. We visited with Jennifer (my eldest), her man, Jason, and my two BEAUTIFUL granddaughters, Alana Lynn (5) and Gianna (7 mos). We had a lovely visit and even went downtown for ice-cream and some window shopping. I didn't even care that I had that ridiculous looking walker with me (please excuse my see a lovely stool that would be "perfect" for Angie's vanity in the window of a consignment shop. It was out of my planned budget, but so pretty, that I would have paid full price if I had it. Even after negotiating, it was still "out of my budget" As we were walking out, a tad disappointed but with the belief that we could find one at the price that I wanted, the clerk offered to call the owner. AND that's how Angela got her sweet stool for $30.00. Sometimes you must be willing to walk away, and risk losing what you "want".
So, at some point, Alana realized that Jhinel and Angela and I were going to "nana and papa's" for dinner. She begged to come along, "please gramma can I go to papa's with you? can I pleeeezzzzz?" I was so glad that she remembered them, and that she was so excited to visit. (I'm told that both Dad and Bentley survived, but I haven't talked to either one since Sunday. hmmmmmmmm...) Later Alana would beg again, to come home with me. This one didn't work out so well. Nonetheless.....
It was such a beautiful day.
(Blessed and grateful)
I was re-reading some of my blog entries recently last week. I was especially struck by the ones when Jhinel was accepted to college and leaving home. How long ago that seems, especially given the changes in my girl. In some ways she's still a "momma's girl"; in that she is often mindful and helpful; If she's in town, she accompanies me to church just because she knows that it brings me such joy, and yet, she is definitely a woman coming into her own, who makes decisions about life and has opinions about the world. I love spending time with her; "lunch" and conversation.
She's a lovely "big sister" whether Angie understands this yet or not. Though recently Ang did comment after a visit, that she (self) is "spoiled." (She's not, but I'm glad that she recognizes that her sister enjoys hanging out with her and taking her out.)
I'm His favorite, I tell ya!
I intentionally do not have a Caring Bridge blog at this time (several of my friends have both. - one blog is quite enough for me for now.) My reasoning may be flawed; but in my mind, the CB blogs tend to focus on the medical issue of the author, whereas I tend to think of my cancer as just one more piece of my story. But that means that sometimes you may be "bothered" here with information, stats, and updates relating to multiple myeloma and kidney dialysis. I continue to think of myself as "living with", even as I witness the debilitating effects of my disease/s.
Living it one day at a time and grateful for each!
This is the one and only "official" update on the details of my absence from blogging. The one time in my life that it actually hurt too much to write. This was written in December, 2011, I am posting March 2012:
My faith has been challenged beyond what I thought
possible. Last year I celebrated Christmas (2010) in the hospital. In fact, I
spent six weeks and then another two. I haven't been as active on this
web site since and here's why.
Beginning in late June of 2010 and for almost six months, I'd sought relief for excruciating pains (on the proverbial 1 to 10 scale, a 13),accompanied by horrendous fatigue and other symptoms. Two hospitals, a walk-in
emergency clinic, and two doctors told me that they could find nothing
wrong. Actually the last doctor stated that I was depressed and had
scoliosis. He ordered an MRI and gave me pain pills and an
antidepressant. Both were incorrect diagnosis. When the severe rash
started, he gave me a referral for a dermatologist. By this time I'd
left my job
and my 16 year-old daughter and I had moved in with my mother. Even
though the doctors couldn't find a cause, my health was rapidly
declining. I could barely walk and my breathing had become quite
labored, For over a month, I'd had no appetite, when I forced myself to eat it
wouldn't stay down......
On December 2nd, I drove myself to the hospital. And was admitted.
Within minutes ACCURATE diagnosis were being made. That night, I was
diagnosed with severe anemia and was advised that my kidneys had shut
down. The next day, I was informed of the real culprit - multiple
myeloma. A rare and incurable cancer of the blood plasma. The irony
that I continue to struggle with today is that a simple blood test is the
diagnostic tool, and had my diagnosis come sooner, I would not have lost
use of my kidneys. Obviously, for the last year we have been
aggressively addressing this cancer and have encountered many joys and
disappointments along the way. Hemodialysis, is one example, it is an exhausting treatment which I get at a dialysis center three times per week. My life revolves around my treatment schedule. As much of a pain that it is, it is one of the reasons that I continue to be alive.
Shortly after my discharge from the hospital, we learned that my cousin's son had been
diagnosed with a lymphoma. His battle with this cancer was relatively
brief, and at 36, Mikey passed. My heart has been broken with sadness
for his beautiful momma.
What I thought was THE worst came at the end of August, I was driving home from Tallahassee, FL. I had taken my girl and her new papasan chair back to college. Shortly before arriving "home" I received a phone
call, to call my girl back as soon as I reached my destination. It didn't make a lot
of sense but ..... what the heck! When I pulled into the driveway
and called her back, I understood immediately why she had been so
stubborn about not telling me as I was driving. My kid sister had gone
away for the weekend with her husband. She was now in the hospital in a
coma. They didn't know how long she would live. NOW the depression
would begin.
A day or so later, a
friend came and picked me up and took me to Ft. Myers to be close to my
beautiful sister. At some point it was decided to take her off life
support. It was a miracle that she continued to live! She was eventually transferred to a private hospital closer
to her home, and between her husband and our mom someone was with her
but for a couple of hours at night. Then came the worst news yet. Momma had come home for a couple of
days when the phone call came........My brother-in-law was dead. Our beloved
Chad...just didn't have the strength physically and emotionally to continue. I believe that he died with a broken heart.
As difficult as this has been for me personally, It has been so much more for their parents and children; to my own 16-year-old daughter, Chad was "like a father." She spent many weekends or vacation days
"hanging" out with their family, she has struggled so much, but
thankfully is finding some relief in therapy.
When I quit smoking in September 2009, I was the happy quitter! I HAD PLANS for my new,
healthy life!!!! I started working out and was walking 5K's. I planned
on running a 5K for my 51st birthday.....ha! "MY" plans. Today, I
walk with a walker or a cane. I must "rest" much too often for my liking.
Today, my prayers are simple.....healing for
Holly and for us ALL and for God to have his will in my life, even as I
struggle with my own purpose in his plan. I pray for strength for my
momma who lives near the neurological center to be with my kid sister.
So, that's the nutshell version. I'm happy to entertain questions.
If the thought should cross your mind, all prayers are appreciated.
Dawn
Today I had my typical Thursday morning "appointment" (hemodialysis). My nurse/tech is his usual cheerful and "too cute for his age" self. Bantering with me or perhaps simply for his own entertainment as he prepares to infiltrate my body with those ever so delicate "needles" (ya right!)
Somewhere in the nonsense I hear him comment, "ya gotta have goals..." There was a time when I would have laughed out loud. This morning, I practically choke on a slightly forced smile. "REALLY? Why do I have to have goals anymore?" This is what I'm thinking but the words that come out of my mouth are more along the lines of, "yeah, my goal these days is just to get out of bed in the morning." (Some days I don't.) As the irony settles in my brain, I just say, "where's my book?! I've gotta write this one down!!" And I really do laugh.
So.......Phil promised to work on his "-isms." And I promised that he was gonna end up in my blog today. He's probably working on them even as I blog......
Just this day I found myself jotting in "my little black book." Repeatedly!
No, "my little black book" is not a directory of phone numbers of attractive men - darn! I thought 50 is supposed to be a woman's "prime" - just my luck! "My little black book" is my book of notes to myself that I always carry with me. Often ideas for blogs are written, more often lately, it's my "to do" and grocery lists. Not all of my notes make it to the page. One day I was in an ice cream store and pulled my book out as we were ordering.......my daughter, "uh oh-ed" as she explained to our server what that meant. I think sometimes it embarrassed her that in the middle of ANYTHING I could stop and pull out that book! (That particular time the comment had to do with something he said about superman ice cream.) Anyways, I'm excited! I feel as though my life is slowly but certainly coming to a new norm. Part of my "writer's block" has certainly been my grief over the last year plus. Part of it is that I know that to be real, I'll have to write some of it and parts are still too painful. Some details will never make it to this forum, which is as it should be. For today, I'm just so happy that "my little black book" was so active!
Enjoy The Blessings!
Tonight it was a night "on the town" in beautiful Fellsmere, FL. Angela volunteered at the annual Frog Leg Festival as did many from the tennis team.
My fair food of choice is Italian sausage sandwich with fried onions and peppers and NOT fried frogs legs. Unfortunately, my tasters have been "off" for many months (meds perhaps?) and once again eating was difficult.
Without a doubt, the most entertaining part of the evening was not the "performer from Nashville" but Angela's adventure with the frog. She is terrified of them. In one photo I couldn't decide if she was posing to kiss it or to take a bite!!! It was worth the $20.00 to watch her overcome her fear/phobia.
I took the cane and not the walker and although I was slow, I was there for almost two hours! (HUGE!)
(pain pills were involved.)
I've been wanting to get back to journaling on this blogger account for a couple of months now. Of course I've aquired several new excuses to justify the delay. Today that stops. I can no longer use the "I'm too busy" rationale; (however I do have a tendency to fall asleep ON the computer these days!)
I've several DRAFT pages which will help me to fill in some of the blanks. For now, I'll just thank those who took time to pray, call, send cards or gifts and who visited while I was in the hospital. God has shown His grace and mercy through you!
Thank you.
It was sometime about midnight when the phone rang. Those who know me don't even bother to call anywhere near that late. I was in bed. I was not asleep yet. The late ringing wasn't a disturbance, I almost smiled as I reached for the phone. Hoping.
"Hello"
A far-away sounding voice replied, "F-L-O-R-I-D-A-S-T-A-T-E. Florida State, Florida State, Florida State, WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
It seems that I miss her more on game nights, it's not nearly as much fun for me without her laughing and crying and screaming and dancing and pacing. She'll never know just how much that midnight phone call meant to her momma. The fact that we beat UM 45 to 17 was just the icing on the cake, WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This is a single mom's version of a "VACATION" day:
take Jhinel to dentist; while she is getting her cleaning/check-up, Starbucks run - cause I know this one's gonna be "a doozy"; fill up car and check air in the tires; pick up girl from dentist; auto parts store for new windshield wiper blades; Walgreens for passport photos; Dad's for a kiss; county government office so Nel can submit her passport application. THEN wash car; lunch; Jhinel to doctor; post office; me to oncologist; county animal care and control for cat licenses; home to pick up Angela and Alana; Dad and Nancy's for dinner; grocery store so that Nel and Alana can bake a pink cake before Jhinel heads back to college. I can ONLY take so many of these "days off" - LOL!!!
Hoping that you see the blessings in THIS day!
Ang and I had the most interesting discussion about the literature of William Shakespeare and evolution of the English language. Actually she did most of the talking. The conversation was wonderful. The fact that it was with MY baaaaaaaabeeeeeeeeeeeee is kinda freaky!
God is Good.
Yeah, I did something really bizarre for me last week. REALLY. The kinda thing that makes my girls shake their head in bewilderment and say, "who's taken over mom's body cause she would never ever do that!".
I bought a television.
This is unusual on several accounts.
First, I dont particularly care for or watch TV. Yes, I love my news shows, Marlin's baseball and Seminoles football, but even so, I can become a poor steward of time ---fancy way of saying "couch potato".
Secondly, this is the type of purchase that I'm inclined to spend months researching and budgeting in advance. I almost never impulse buy, except at the grocery store.
Finally, I've never, ever, ever bought a television. I actually have a TV that I acquired during a divorce, I wanted the grill, I got the TV (ha!) - We use this for "movie night" to play CD's and DVD's and for the wii system.
So, I still had not found a suitable place to watch the gator bowl. I was considering some local sports bar/restaurants but would rather not take my girls into that environment. So, yesterday I finally decided that I would pick up one of those HD converter boxes for my TV. I ended up walking out with an actual new television. I totally messed up my budget but I can watch Bobby's last game from the comfort of my own living room. It will be so nice to watch a game with Jhinel again, obviously she's home on winter break. This afternoon there will be loud laughter, pacing, lots of screaming and jumping, hopefully not too much nail biting. There will probably be tears as we watch the end of an era. We will teach a three year old the proper way to scream at at football game and the 'nole chant.
Yeah, I messed up the budget with this purchase because I didn't account for a new TV this month. I can "justify this purchase" because the SALE price really made it doable, also I save money by staying home today and I didn't have to buy the box, etc., etc. (see how that works?!)
Instead of "buyer's remorse" I'm filled with excitement, THE TRUTH IS THIS..............I've saved the amount of MORE than two TV's by not smoking for over three months!!! How cool is THAT!?
T.V. will come in handy during baseball season too.
It's 10:30 p.m. on my coast. In my living room are four college girls, a kid sister and a wii. They are all in PJ's, I hear their laughter. I am whelmed over with joy, peace, happy.
The last time that they were all together was their high school graduation and "little krupa" was considered a nuisance. In just a matter of weeks, she's grown taller than two and has physically matured in a way that none of the others were prepared for (yet). Tonight she is invited to be part of their group. I am glad to have them home, even though the visits are brief these days.
THIS is the bucket list.
At 8:00 a.m. this morning I was quite thoroughly enjoying one poached egg with a toasted slice of fresh rye bread (seeded, of course) accompanied by Susan Boyle's beautiful voice (don't even ask, just go buy the CD). The perfect way to start a day.
Except that my day had actually started at 5:00 a.m. when I threw on sweats and sneakers and walked 4 miles to the beach and back with Wally. Life is good. God is good!!!
P.S. Michael G. from my hometown noted that at 6:00 a.m. this morning he was putting oil in the snowblower! hehe
I had the opportunity to hit the "snooze button" a couple of times this morning.
I finally awakened with the realization that my spirit was singing.
Now, it wasn't my voice, and it wasn't that "gotta song stuck in my head" but an actual singing in my spirit.
I knew a sublime joy, then heard the lyrics to the song and outright laughed.
"Hallelujah! What a savior!
I owe everything to Him
Hallelujah what a savior
Hallelujah to my king"
over and over and over again.
(Oh what peace the spirit of Jesus brings
through the trials He will carry me
One day in Heaven our eyes will meet
Filled with wonder, all the saints will sing
Hallelujah! What a savior..........)
Mammo #1
Mammo #2
Ultra Sound.
Call from the Pat..................re do in three to six months.
I am sooooooooo not in the mood for THIS!
Perhaps if I stomp my foot or whine God will let me have things MY way????
God is GOOD......
Sunday I cooked. (Those of you who are familiar with my lifestyle or have read my blog are laughing, I know!) Home made lentil soup and chicken salad.
Monday I MADE my lunch and actually remembered to bring it to work with me.
Today, I COOKED breakfast AND made my lunch AND actually remembered to bring it to work with me AND I was at the office by 8:15.
Dang........next thing ya know I'll be working out again.
GOD IS GOOD...................
Tonight a surprise visit from Jhinel and Emilio.
"aren't you supposed to be in Tallahassee?!"
Pizza. "catching up"
"I'm glad you let me go, mom"
She was a momma's girl, overprotected perhaps and overprotective definitely! She remembers things her kid sister doesn't; she helped to raise an infant niece for a time, she worried as she saw her older sister make dangerous choices. My interferon treatments and Cancer made her too responsible, these things are compounded when your mom is a single.
I knew that she needed to go away to college, I wanted her to have the opportunity to "act her age" and learn life on her own terms. As I hear these words, "I'm glad you let me go" I remind her that I MADE her go away to college.
that's not what she meant.
and then I'm glad too. It's hard letting go of one whom you love so very much. I won't alway's approve of her choices in life, sometimes I'll know better ways. I think the best that I do now is to trust her to make her own choices and to let her know that she is loved - no matter what.
And to pray mother prayers.
(finally) this week is done.
after a thirteen hour day today, and a much too busy and long week, tonight I came home and crashed..........
on the couch,
in my jammies....
a very aggressive and persistent knock on the door...WHAT??!!!
I open it to find my Nel!
she decided to surprise us
a seven hour trip on a bus for her first weekend home from college.
I am truly blessed. Thank you, Father.
AT 12:21 a.m. southbound on I-95, me with wet pants and Angii half dressed, she noted the numerical palindrome. I tellya!!! I'm BLESSED!!
That was the ending of an unusual and wonderful day.
Plan A was that I would be out of town attending an Emmaus Walk.
Plan B was that we would be enroute to a camping trip with our church family.
There was no Plan C. But I had already scheduled the day off from work, so I fiqured I might as well schedule that mammogram. After that I went over to the lab for my "annual" blood/urine. filled up the tank then "swung by" the nail place where i used to go to......no line. got a pedi. Ran over to the optometrist to schedule an eye exam and they had an opening then. ALL this before NOON. wow!
Home for lunch and a nap.
I'd gotten an email from a texas girlfriend that she was going to be in town for a couple of days.......was going to a favorite dive in the old town.........We met for wings and a beer. a dozen or so of us, some we hadnt seen in a couple of years, others became new acquaintances. And of course, we "ran into" several others along the way. I asked Angii if she wanted to take a ride over to the beach.......as we were saying our good-byes, others decided to join us on that favorite beach. It ended up being a "best friday night", it was amazing how almost perfect strangers felt like friends. And that is how I ended up with wet pants, and Angii half dressed driving down the interstate at 12:21 a.m.
NOTE to self: next time you go out to dinner with susan, bring bathing suit, towel and bug spray.
Yep. I'm 49 and a half years old and I sleep with a teddy bear.
It just dawned on me a couple of days ago (get it? "dawned") (Angii would call that one a "knee slapper" - ha!) ANYWAYS, I am sharing my bed with a very large teddy bear.
Apparently, amidst the sorting and cleaning and packing and purging of "stuff", Jhinel's teddy bear found it's way into my bed. Maybe he was deemed too valuable for the space sacks or to be crammed into a box. Of course the new bear from her boyfriend is the one that took the trip to Tally.
The realization brought a reminisce. It was a gift from her God-father. Was it birthday? Christmas? Angii's baptismal? I don't quite remember. What I do remember is that the gift was considerably larger than the child.
He never really was a "pretty" bear nor fanciful by any stretch of the imagination, but he was always squishy. Many others have come and gone. "Dependable" or "reliable" would be good descriptors, "always there in a pinch". "Comfy" another. To me he's also symbolic of the love of the giver, geographically he may be far away, nonetheless "always there". That's real friendship.
Our lives have been blessed with a few real comfy folk.
Thank you, Father.
Abizillion mom's have done it before
there are just some days that I truly want to call her and say, "It was all a joke, you can come home now" ("PLEASE come home now!!!!")
This life is such an intriguing journey.
P.S. The kid sister WASN'T the drama queen of the family afterall. hahahahahaha!
A minor crisis if you will, she thought that her "car floss" would last to infinity. It didn't.
If two aunts aren't there, she always asks.
But this time she didn't.(quite odd)
Finally I could stand it no more and I asked Alana why she hadn't asked where her aunt Jhinel was. She quite simply responded, "Nel's at school, grandma", and that was exactly right.
However at bedtime it was quite a different story. Alana became so worried because a bed was missing from "Angii's room". I guess she thought that her Nel was at the pre-school and would be coming home to sleep.
She is just barely eighteen
She called
The words that came out of her mouth were,
"Do you want me to send you a check?"
HUH?????????!!!!!!!!!!!!
HOW did that happen?!!!
That simple question is affecting me in a huge way.
I didnt expect it yet. That brief question told me that she is much wiser than I knew, it showed me that she has understanding, respect, accountability.
it was kinda lateish
I answered the phone because it was Nel, an advantage of caller ID.
She was doing homework. Reading an article. written by a prof from the college that I graduated from.
"Who", I ask.
"Weener" or "Whiner" "I'm not sure how to pronounce it"
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!
really........WHAT ARE THE CHANCES?!
what are the chances that 20ish years later my girl in Florida is assigned to read an article from my prof in NY?
I tell her that he was one of my advisors, I babysat his son, I volunteered with his wife. Jhinel has heard me talk of him before though I'd never mentioned his name, "Remember THAT story....that was Weiner".
We shared a smile over the phone.
I'm glad she called and didn't email it.
"by the way, it's pronounced winer"
:-)
kid is delivered to a bus stop. (They had a water gun fight sponsored by the admin yesterday on campus. yea SCHOOL!)
laundry's in
dishes are done
kitty litter box is cleaned
trash is out
lately i walk to work - early
the days of two hours of "mom's taxi service" are over.
this afternoon she will walk home from the bus stop and do her homework and chores
my life has changed.
Last year, I found myself in the principal’s office.
Crying.
My beautiful, gifted daughter had been struggling in science class and had confided to me that she hated science. When she described her typical days in class I just could not comprehend and thus, I very purposefully marched into the school and imposed a meeting on the administration. Actual tears came from frustration, exasperation and anger. How do we do this? How do we take incredible, brilliant, fresh young minds and create monotony and mediocrity? I argued that ESPECIALLY in the middle school years our children should encounter fascination and passion for the natural world and the scientific experience. Perhaps some of my frustration in her experience was rooted in my own educational experience for I found myself reminiscing about one of my 7th grade teachers.
Thirty six years ago a young man with an exuberance and joy for life and teaching and students inspired me. Over the years I have on occasion thought of this teacher and it is always with fondness and a smile. He was that one who touched my life in the way that differentiates instructors from great teachers. I have wished for my own children to experience a teacher like him. I was a student of his briefly, at Diamond Mears Middle School. My family had moved to the “big city” from a more rural community half-way to Denali. And we would soon return to the “lower 48.” I didn’t want to leave Alaska and I didn’t want to leave Mr. Vandergaw’s science class. He had caught my attention and had made the mundane into an opportunity for learning. We knew that he loved Alaska and the outdoors, he conveyed a love for teaching and science, and he just gave you the impression that he CARED.
I came home from that meeting in the principal’s office at my daughter’s middle school and did a quick web-search. Whoa! A controversial celebrity was what I discovered, some condemning, some fervently supportive. A horrible comparison with another. Somehow, I don’t really think that he would be all that affected by the opinions or the controversy. I watched the show. I watched it because I just wanted to see my beloved seventh grade science teacher, I wanted reassurance. My attention was riveted to the man. The man on the TV is 70 now, a bit slower in his movement, more intentional. But it was still there! It’s in his words, it’s in his demeanor, it’s in his eyes! In the closing segments the interviewer admits that he was expecting something different (a crazy man perhaps) and he goes on to say “You’re a remarkable man, Charlie.”
Recently, I was packing another daughter off to college. As I was sorting through some old documents I came across the note. It was written shortly after my parents moved our family from Anchorage back to central New York. The brief letter was just a few simple sentences of encouragement written to a girl from Mr. Vandergaw.
I’ll be celebrating 50 soon. I’m a social worker in Florida of all places. Many days my work is heartbreaking, I work with the hope that if just one person’s burden is lightened then I’ll have achieved success. “If I make a difference in one person’s life……..”
“Charlie” Vandergaw is 70. I figured it was about time that I told him……..that he made a difference in my life. I figured it was about time that I thanked him.
This world would be a much finer place if we had a bunch more “Charlie Vandergaw’s” in it. And more of that light in his eyes. The love.
Angii has now seen "water falls". She has also been outside of the state of Florida, has experienced a new time zone.caverns, cooking over a campfire (shrimp on the barbie!) and Smores. Only took her fourteen years!
I like the way we did THIS eighteenth birthday.
It started about midnight on the 28th with a Carvel ice cream cake and presents. It ended at close to midnight with friends and lazer bowling and a late dinner.
Happy Birthday, Jhinel
Jhinel got her voter registration card in the mail today.
cept she can't actually use it til Tuesday.
hehe
The problem with dancing in the rain... is that ya show up to work soaking wet!!!!!
Life is Good!
God is Good!
just realized that i still haven't posted graduation or prom pictures.........
check out my facebook page for the photos.
AND pics of Alana and baby Walker.
so.......................we're at City Place, parked, ticketed (movie, that is) and we still have some time until Jhinel and I see STAR TREK. 10:05 pm show. We decide to get a drink at Panera's. As we're waiting at the beverage bar for our drinks - green tea and a frozen lemonade TYVM! I notice that there is a college-aged looking young man and a father-aged looking gentleman standing a bit further down, where the food is prepared. I observe that the elder is wearing a grey T-shirt that says, "Georgia Tech". My girl is wearing an FSU T-shirt that says, "FEAR THE SPEAR". Jhinel and I comment amongst ourselves. I'm looking forward to a trip to Tally on October 10th, I have tickets for the FSU v. Georgia Tech football game at Campbell Doak Stadium.
Our drinks arrive and as we pass the "boys", my girl brazenly turns and says, "You're going downnnnnnn October 10th". I'm shocked that she actually did it. This IS the one that wouldn't ask for ketchup at McDonald's. I'm laughing sooooo hard. This is fun!
It took them a bit to figure out what this crazy girl was saying, but then they realized the shirts and shot back their own comments and we were ALL laughing.
(lol)
Nel just IMed me from Tallahassee. Silly girl.
Go practice being a college kid!!!
A friend suggested that I hook up skype when she leaves.
I will. I will also be mindful that this is a new season of letting her grow.
It's the most beautiful, rainy Sunday in south Florida.
The sauce is on.
Naptime!!
Today reminds me of when I was a child and we would go to Grandma's house after church, take our pretty dresses off and climb into her big bed in our slips to nap. (so as not to mess up our "good" clothes). Often dinner was home-made spaghetti with meatballs -- did jar sauce even exist?? Sometimes Uncle John's homemade kielbasa or Grandma's fresh pierogis or golumpki were the fare. But nothing compared to Grandma's homemade pies. Apple, lemon meringue, chocolate cream, banana cream, coconut cream. Warm memories.
Jhinel left today for Tallahassee. She'll experience campus life for a few days. And although they, "can't stand each other", she and Angii sat next to each other in church this morning and were quite affectionate in that "teenaged sister, sibling rivalry" sorta way.
It feels like a trial run to me but I didn't cry.
I was awakened by some "stirrings" at 1:00 a.m.
Saw my girl coming down the hall, and told her to get to bed Puh-leeeeezzzzzzzz
She replied, "I got in"
My girl is a Seminole!
A neldream realized.
Yay!
Last nights dinner was two slices of bread with (your choice, mayo or mustard) deli meats and cheese, a bottle of water, banana if you please or cheetos if you want. On a beach in the dark with family and a friend. It was waaayyyyyyyy kewl!!
oh! and there was a space shuttle involved too.
who forgot the flashlight in the car??
Sometimes our Father surprises us with such wonderful and special gifts. A friend who has meant so much, who has shared laughter and love and joy and pain is allowed back into our lives.
Father, help me to love more like you.
Help me to be a better friend this time.
and thank you.
I remember as a new mom, the excitement and joy at sharing the wonders of the world with this new precious and beloved lil person.
I remember feeling at times, that it was like a "do over" of my own childhood moments and yet even better because I was sharing it with my own child. It was as if we had "new eyes" to experience God's creation.
These days, she is anxiously awaiting so much. Colleges, scholarships, summer jobs. Fervent prayers envelop all of our graduating youth.
Last night an Email came. The dreamed of summer job. WAITLISTED. I see that wrinkled forehead look, the one that is disappointment, why wouldn't God want this for her?
I say it although she has heard it a million times, I say it even though she already knows it. I say it with tears in my heart for her. As the words come out, I wonder if it sounds rote, insensitive. "If it is God's will for you to be there this summer, you will be there. If it is not his will, then he has other plans for your life for this time. You can trust him". I'm not sure that it's enough. But it is all I have. It is who I am.
I have learned that God's will is better. He is faithful in all things. His grace is sufficient.
Sometimes we ask for things and His answer is yes.
Sometimes we ask for things and His answer is no.
Sometimes we ask for things and He says, wait.
I think the "wait" one is the hardest.
Ask, Seek, Knock.
we smiled together when a peer messaged the same response as I had conveyed (she has beautiful friends too). Sometimes you can hear it better when it's not your own mom.
DEAR GOD:
I want to thank You for what you have already done. I am not going to wait until I see results or receive rewards; I am thanking you right now. I am not going to wait until I feel better or things look better; I am thanking you right now. I am not going to wait until people say they are sorry or until they stop talking about me; I am thanking you right now.. I am not going to wait until the pain in my body disappears ; I am thanking you right now. I am not going to wait until my financial situation improves; I am going to thank you right now. I am not going to wait until the children are asleep and the house is quiet; I am going to thank you right now. I am not going to wait until I get promoted at work or until I get the job; I am going to thank you right now. I am not going to wait until I understand every experience in my life that has caused me pain or grief; I am thanking you right now. I am not going to wait until the journey gets easier or the challenges are removed;
I am thanking you right now. I am thanking you because I am alive. I am thanking you because I made it through the day's difficulties. I am thanking you because I have walked around the obstacles.
I am thanking you because I have the ability and the opportunity to do more and do better.
I'm thanking you because FATHER, YOU haven't given up on me.
God is just so good, and he's good all the time. THANK HIM.
Yeah, funny things happen at my house.
Blogs get "hacked" into and embarrassing video's appear for all the world to see.
This morning I'm taking a shower, washing my hair. I look up to see graffiti all over the tile!!!
Someone (obviously) "borrowed" the granddaughters soap crayons, "Have A Great Day".
I smile
I laugh
I almost cry
The people I live with are such a blessing.
I spent some time this morning trying to contact Jennifer.
She was released from the hospital; I am told that she is refusing placement and treatment recommendations.
A few moments ago, I flipped the page on my "desktop" devotional:
"When we release our children into the Father's hands, and acknowledge that He is in control of their lives and ours, both we and our children will have greater peace."
Thank you, Lord.
#2 will be leaving home in a few weeks, and I have finally resolved to give up "mother guilt" about cooking.
Because of OUR schedules, many nights we get home from our day, 7 or 8 p.m. or later - even if it's not a night of late meetings or events, I'm just not emotionally into preparing, cooking and cleaning up a traditional MEAL. Thus far, no one has starved to death.
After all these years, I'm changing my attitude. Instead of feeling like I failed at this aspect of parenting, we'll just have fun with our peanut butter and banana sandwiches, and CELEBRATE the few days when we do cook a meal.
Boar's Head is my FRIEND!!!
I took you from the ends of the earth,
from its farthest corners I called you.
I said, "you are my servant"; I have chosen you and not rejected you.
So do not fear. for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous hand.
(Is 41: 9-10)
He speaks to me, in His promises to the ancients
Lord, what is your will for me today?
Walker John arrived by C-Section at 9:09 p.m.
weighing in at 6 lbs 7 oz and is 19 inches.
Mom and Dad and baby are well.
Praise God!
it's a wooHoo day. again.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
please disregard the black sock which is hanging on the side of my purse (hmmmmmmmm which child is wearing only one sock today???) And yes, it is "sock weather" in South Florida today.
It started with an ear of roasted corn to share with Alana. He approached saying, "If you like corn, you should come back for the CORN FESTIVAL in April", then a comment on how beautiful Alana looks just like her "momma"; "oh! you're her grandma?!!"; I knew then. but when he commented that "some of us men"..."like a woman who doesnt look like a stick" I about lost it.
I'll admit that I do not, and have never been confused with a stick, but did that guy just call me fat???
ROFL
I was picking up another prescription for a kid. And really annoyed at how much money had been spent in the past few months for medical stuff...............in the past month, well over a month's income. savings depleted again. bills coming in. one step forward, two steps back in the finance arena that is..........
That's when it happened. Standing at the counter. a horrible, terrible, snarky IMPULSE buy. Dave Ramsey would have words for me, fer sure! The girls were confused. not typical mom behavior, not a typical mom activity. "Mom, we've never been to the SF Fair, are you okay?" "NO, but were going anyway". And a Monday off from work as well.
The teens of course, arranged to meet up with friends, So I asked her Dad if Alana could come. It may have been the best eighty-nine dollars I ever spent.
This came in my Emails today. I don't know who wrote it, but i know who sent it to me..........God's timing is perfect.
DEAR GOD:
I want to thank You for what you have already done. I am not going to wait until I see results or receive rewards; I am thanking you right now. I am not going to wait until I feel better or things look better; I am thanking you right now. I am not going to wait until people say they are sorry or until they stop talking about me; I am thanking you right now.. I am not going to wait until the pain in my body disappears ; I am thanking you right now. I am not going to wait until my financial situation improves; I am going to thank you right now. I am not going to wait until the children are asleep and the house is quiet; I am going to thank you right now. I am not going to wait until I get promoted at work or until I get the job; I am going to thank you right now. I am not going to wait until I understand every experience in my life that has caused me pain or grief; I am thanking you right now. I am not going to wait until the journey gets easier or the challenges are removed;
I am thanking you right now. I am thanking you because I am alive. I am thanking you because I made it through the day's difficulties. I am thanking you because I have walked around the obstacles.
I am thanking you because I have the ability and the opportunity to do more and do better.
I'm thanking you because FATHER, YOU haven't given up on me.
God is just so good, and he's good all the time. THANK HIM.
Beautiful Alana wanted to help "dramma" check her Email today.
She was sitting on my lap, checking out the keyboard and pictures.........
when she pointed and said, "eegeee" (2 year old enunciation of "Angii")
I looked and there on the bottom right of the screen was some advertisy thing with a photo of Britney Spears.
lana thinks Britney is her aunt eegee.
hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
(weird week it was)
This past week Jhinel was away on a ski trip with high school and college aged youth from our church. Each day of skiing ended with dinner and a youth conference. The musical group Shane and Shane performed. Jhinel was especially impressed with the speaker. It sounds like she had a fun trip, I like that my kids know that being a Christian includes fun. That our faith is a part of our everyday experience, and that when other's look in.....they don't have to see perfect, but they will still know that "there's something happening here". This was the snowiest and coldest year yet.
On Monday, she'll have all four of her wisdom teeth extracted. Then she can get back to the business of being a second semester high school senior - scholarship applications, IB exams, etc. In a couple of weeks we are sending her on a Chrysalis event, a spiritual weekend where she will have the opportunity to take another step in her faith walk with other young women. I feel like A finish line is just around the bend, and I'm hurryinging to equip her with additional resources for the next leg of the race. (like seventeen years of living it isn't enough all of a sudden!!)
LOL....pieces of our bible study sneaking in. Maybe the race is an "IronWoman" event.
And while she was out, Angii and I did some girl thangs together....things that typically have been MOM and NEL stuff, my Angii is growing into. Yesterday we set out for HOME DEPOT - including the Nathan's Hotdog Stand. I got A/C filters, Angii got black light bulbs for her bedroom. From there we just happened to be in the neighborhood of a spa and Angii had her first eyebrow wax. Well, she actually had both of them done. Then we took a left instead of a right and ended up at Sephora "to browse". Earlier in the week she had opted for a new hair style. The fun part is just waiting to see how long it takes folks to notice. Jhinel was pretty quick on all accounts.
When Nel's stuff came home into the shared teenage room, the new black lights came on to reveal "graffiti" all over the walls. from "I love Nick" to "Welcome Back Jhinizzle" (laundry detergent has phosphorescence which is revealed in black lights) (Today, they'll get to wash the walls)
Of course, as I type this, they are both getting back to the business of "normal", arguing like teenaged sistahs.
(Lord, have mercy!)
I arrived at home at 10:00pm. Angii and Alana were still up. (Hmmphf!)
I spozed it was because Angii just didn't want to deal with the nightly "going to bed tantrum". Alana is growing into the most beautiful personality, but two sticking points continue to be bedtime and hair brushing! You HAVE seen that head full of delightful curls. As soon as she sees the hairbrush and detangler, she exclaims, "yoo hur me dramma".
Angii's explanation for the delayed bedtime, "we're having so much fun". A quick game of "where's lana" whilst I prepare for the battle. "Time to go to bed, Miss Alana Lynn", then the most amazing sight as I watched her get up and walk down the hall into her (formerly my) bedroom. I'm not quite sure what to make of this. Is it a joke? Is she playing? I give her a minute and creep in to find her in gramma's "big bed" pulling the fluffy down comforter up so that she can snuggle inside. Angii joins her with a bedtime story. A smile and prayers and Alana goes to sleep.
There WILL be ice cream today!!!!
(grandma's prerogative)
Then at 3:00am as I'm tossing in my living room chair again, I realize that there is an empty bed in our house - that is, an empty bed other than the ELMO adorned toddler bed. As Jhinel is en-route to West Virginia -brrrrrrrrr, a real bed lies vacant!!! What a treat!!! And yes, I slept through the alarm going off......but it was such a wonderful rest!
Praising God in the little things!!!
November 24, 2008.
In the past two days, Alana has asked and effectively used the potty chair twice "WHO-RAAAAAAAYYY!!!"
Today myNel announced that she has been nominated by her school for the Pathfinder Scholarship/Award.
My life is so cute.
Thank you, Father.
Yes, I am stressed. Somehow, it feels a bit "unChristian" to admit that. And I've come to the conclusion that it's easier to be ill myself than to go through the same with my children.
Please lift in Prayer today:
Jennifer (she had a colposcopy last friday)
Jhinel - who is in severe back pain (we are waiting on the appointment for an MRI, she recently finished a course of physical therapy)
Holly and Walker and family for a healthy pregnancy
Alana Lynn (she's two and living with her grandmother!! - nuf said)
Baby Luke that his lungs will heal - and his family who are waiting for him to come home.
UPDATE 11/25: Jhinel's MRI showed a herniated disk. She is being referred to a pain management program. Our doctor said this is certainly better than what could have come back. So far her ski trip and softball season can stay on the calendar, but no conditioning until after we meet with the specialist. Please keep her in prayer.
"We'd better stop before she asks us to sing this at her funeral"
(in a very distorted Bri-ish accent): "there'll be no tissues for your issues"
(They're crazy I tell ya!!)
(The mime is not mine, but we often pick em up as we go!)
I LOVE CHICKEN!!!!
Younguns who aren't mine call me "mom"
What an awesome blessing this is.
Funny............the things that we think of as treasure as we get older!
A football game and ice cream date with a the most beautiful band nerd, her kid sister, neice and Jeni!! The perfect Friday night. K-girls rule!
and who WAS that "cross-dressing (?)" fool that Katherine brought over on Wednesday??? (yes, he IS wearing a tiara!!!) hehe
(Thank you, Father)
She sang to me all the way home. Her enunciation is limited, but the tune and the gestures are unmistakable. It' funny how quickly those pre-school songs come back to me.
I'll be glad when she can go home to her mommy, and I can be a real grandma again.
And I'll miss her.
Just a bit ago, I realized that I'm having an attitude problem this afternoon.
It's curriculum night at my daughter's school. And I'm mad.
I'm of the opinion that September 11th should be a national holiday.
As it's not, I want the "officials" to at least let us spend the evening at home with our families; or at a church with friends; or on the beach.
But a "good mommy" goes to curriculum night and meets the teachers, rushing around campus with a thousand other parents. So that was my plan. leave work at 3:30 to pick up Angie from School; drop her off at home. Go back to work. Have her meet me at my office at 5:30. Pick up Alana at daycare. Pick up Jhinel from high school. And to the scheduled event.
When I picked Angie up, I said "do your homework and meet me at my office at 5:30" at which point she said she couldnt go to school tonight. The administration had made it clear that students were to stay home to accomodate all of the parents. I'm guessing that if they don't want Angie there, then my granddaughter and myNel aren't welcome either. By the time I pick them up and get them home and get to school, they should pretty much be wrapping up the event.
oh well, so much for being a "good mom"
I guess I'll just go home and spend the evening with my family. which is really what I wanted to do afterall.
Seven years ago this day, we pined to see our kids and our spouses and to take them home. We stood in line to give blood. We went to church together as family and friends and prayed. On that day thousands of Americans went off to work or off to school or on a plane and didn't have the opportunity to come home to their families. Because of hate.
Today, I almost thought that we'd forgotten.
I cried. I'm going home with my kids!
She is scheduled to be at residential treatment until mid-September. She had an intake at a halfway house today and was accepted - this means that when she leaves the residential program she will have an opportunity to be in a safe place while she continues outpatient treatment, gets a job and finds an apartment.
She sounded so great last night, happy, excited about life.......I asked her when was the last time she felt this way. Her response, "I don't remember........maybe five years ago".
Praise God!!! Praise God!!! Praise God!!!
Praying that Jennifer continues to heal and that Alana can live with her mommy soon!
August 23, 2008
Nel drove on I-95!!! :-)
August 25, 2008
After breakfast an Alana initiated trip to the potty chair - and success!!!!
August 26, 2008
This morning I commented that I feel as though my home has been invaded by aliens - partly due to the fact that I'm sorting and cleaning and organizing a car full of personal effects, loaded by Jennifer in a frenetic escape.
MyNel's response was...................uhhhhhhhh, mom you have!!!
Having had my feelings validated, I actually felt better!!!!! (lol)
Yes, Alana Lynn is living with us while her mommy is seeking help with addiction to opiate pain medication.
Today "myNel" is seventeen
She (finally) (insert rolling momma eyes here) got her driving permit
Today she "officially" became an organ donor
and she pre-registered to vote
What a special day today is.
Things that I am grateful for at this very moment:
Another wonderful attribute of teenagers...........................
They don't wake me up at 3:30am and say, "Grandma, PLAY!"
Therefore, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.
1 Corinthinas 10:31
This morning the girls let me kiss them when I dropped them off for their trip to camp.
As we were waiting to pray and send them off, I remembered that my mom made this Monday morning trip last year as I had been released from the hospital on Saturday.
Which reminded me that I have been cancer free for a year!
Dinner with Dad and Nancy. Her last day of "work" - a celebration of retirement!
And a sleepover with my beautiful granddaughter!
God is Good
(all of the time)
and today he was especially kind to me.
ETB!
Mynel is officially a Senior in High School
And she got her SAT scores today! oh my ........this is becoming more real each day!
I'm excited for her!
I'm proud of her!
I promise that I am smiling through these tears.
Monday we got home at 1:30am
Tuesday I got home at 10:30pm
Wednesday we got home at 9:30pm
Thursday we got home at 8:30pm
This is why I need to go AWAY for a vacation.
'Cept the girls are trying to schedule activities for our week away!
Should be interesting to see how it all turns out
My "almost seventeen" joined me for the game tonight. Our team lost. Mr. Ken Griffey Jr. hit #600. We had fun. Together.
I cherish these moments, especially from my "Senior" (H.S.)
Three years ago an Overcomers group had prayerfully decided to discontinue meetings. As brothers and sisters in Christ, we had come together weekly to share our lives, the good, the bad and the ugly. Some had been gathering for many years. A typical meeting included prayer, a lesson or testimony, then small groups where more personal challenges and victories were shared. We prayed for each other, encouraged each other and matured in our faith-walk. Folk from all walks of life, from various churches and communities, sharing a piece of our journey.
Through these past three years, I have spordically encountered some, once in a shoe store, at a concert, at our beautician's. I'd been called to pray for a brother for healing. When I was going through my drug trial and cancer last year, beautiful Diana came each week to visit and bring dinner. She didn't care that I was in my jammies, my family was truly blessed.
Recently, we got together for dinner at Beth's home.....
The first thing that I realized as I entered her home, was a sense that we'd all seen each other just last week. It was an immediate familiarity and joy to be together again. When I saw "mom"Arlene.........I cried. For some reason, she and I had bonded in special way those years ago, I dont think I understood until that moment how very much I love her. A son who was in treatment three years ago was vibrant and healthy and married! Children growing and grown up. Our lives moving into new directions.
After dinner, well, after DESSERT we gathered in one room, we prayed and then took turns updating the others on our lives since our last meeting, then prayed again. It was a very special evening.
Since than, I have found myself wishing........that everyone could have this kind of extended family.
I got two new pair of shoes this week........and they're girly shoes!!!
It was so nice of myNel to clean out her closet!!!
k................ so i slept in until 2pm on Saturday.
got up just in time to get ready for work - a fundraising event for work; had family time yesterday with both of my dad's (Father in heaven and earth dude!)
Today I'm on "vacation" yep..............took the teenagers to school and playing hookey! cept its raining, so my plans to go to the beach with a book are delayed. think I'll put some "socially acceptable for going out of the house" clothes on and maybe find an oil change and a pedicure!
Nel keeps trying to tell us that she's a Senior, but not til I see her report card.......(I'm not ready yet)
Yall have a blessed day.
Nancy, I love you and I miss Amy too.
I've been noticing lately, that my energy is finally getting better.
I still love my naps, but I don't feel as though every day I must go home and sleep!
I don't go to track meets or Lake Ida with an umbrella to keep out of the sun.
At Mom's birthday party, I didnt need to take a nap.
Almost a year since the interferon and cancer surgery,
Praising God for daily miracles!
(Apparently KEEPING THE WEIGHT OFF REQUIRES EXERCISE!!!!)
Nel,
Thanks for taking me out to lunch at the Ritz Carlton for my birthday!
(hehe)
yer my "favorite".....
She got home at 4:30am.
Chelsea never left the prom to go to the concert, because she was having fun.
Jordan commented about the strangers who were taking pictures in the parking lot
and.............they DANCED!
This is the will of Him who sent Me, that everyone who sees the Son and believes in Him may have everlasting life; and I will raise him up at the last day.
"Napoleon" is now "Scarface" (temporarily)
Funny the seam and thread of the softball are visible on her cheek, kinda Frankensteinish. And she even seems a bit proud of her "boo boo". Not so bad for a geek, eh?
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